The Love of Bears

The three toy bears have no hearts or brains or souls. Their innards are entirely artificial and their eyes are dull. And yet, there is an aura of sadness about them, as though they yearn for the children who once held them in their arms and loved them, so long ago.

They sit crowded together on a child’s wicker rocker. The chair is brown and battered. It hasn’t been rocked or polished or even glanced at in years. The bears, too, are well past their prime. They sit impassively in their quiet attic room, tucked in the corner away from life and laughter and the hugs that used to bring such comfort to those who bestowed them. Once, each in its own time, these teddy bears were cherished.

The first and most venerable bear, Teddy One, is ninety years old. He is a growler bear, the kind that makes a deep rumbling noise when turned upside down. Many years ago Teddy One lost his ability to roar, and now he utters only a ghost of a moan, even when he is shaken gently. He is missing a glass eye and much of his golden brown fur.   Nevertheless, Teddy One is the aristocrat of the trio. He is the largest by far, being the size of a toddler, and his joints are fully reticulated. His impressive ears stick up perkily and give him an air of intelligence, as though he is ready to listen to one’s innermost secrets and then be trusted to provide wise counsel.

Once, Teddy One belonged to a little girl named Belle. She was only three years old when she received him for Christmas, and it was love at first sight, at least on her part.  Belle lived on an Essex County farm, and her parents could not really afford such a magnificent gift. But somehow the money had been found, and Teddy One, who was just called Teddy by tiny Belle, became her constant companion.

Belle carried Teddy to the breakfast table each morning, and offered him bits of toast, which she was sure he appreciated. She told him all her secrets, like how she hated the chickens that pecked at her sensitive hands when she was trying to help her mother gather the eggs, and how she wished her parents would let her play with the little Collins kids who lived down the next laneway. For some reason, her mother was adamant about the no-Collins rule. Belle was glad that she at least had Teddy to be her friend.

Over the years, Teddy One was fully involved in every aspect of Belle’s life. He was there to comfort her when she broke her ankle one winter, when she scampered a bit too quickly down the wooden steps of the hen house. He was a good listener when she was rehearsing for her fifth grade poetry recitation. And, he was there when she confessed, at age thirteen, her deep and tormented love for Brent Collins, who had a dangerous attractiveness and who never even knew she existed.

When Belle left the farm to attend high school, she boarded with her much-older sister who lived in town. Teddy was left behind, and Belle missed him terribly. She was a teenager now, almost entirely grown up, but she pined for Teddy’s cozy embrace at night, and his willingness to listen to her innermost thoughts and wishes. 

Teddy One stayed on the farm, all alone, for a long, long time, until many years later when Belle’s parents sold the property and moved to town. By then, Belle was a married woman with three children of her own, living in Kingston. She couldn’t bear the thought of Teddy being thrown out or given away, and she reclaimed him, as well as her old wicker rocker, and set him up in comfort in the corner of a spare room. Occasionally, her children were allowed to play with him, and they delighted in turning him over to hear his ever-diminishing growl, and Belle would smile, before cautioning them to be gentle with the old fellow.

Belle’s youngest child was the only girl, a child named Mary. Mary had a healthy assortment of playthings, with particular emphasis on dolls of various shapes and sizes. It seemed she had every toy a little girl could possible want. But, one Christmas, when Mary was five years old, Teddy Two appeared under the tree and five-year-old Mary was enchanted. Her new teddy was deep brown, and he was soft and cuddly, with expressive hazel eyes and a velveteen snout. He was the perfect size to carry in the crook of her arm and the right squishiness to hug in bed. Mary loved him very much. And, of course, she called him Teddy.

Mary’s life was radically different than Belle’s had been. Born in a large town, Mary attended a large public school and took piano and dance lessons on the weekends. There were no chicken coops to muck out and few chores to do other than homework, plus there were many neighbourhood children to play with. And so, Teddy Two was left alone a good deal and his life was a much quieter one than Teddy One had led. He lay serenely on top of Mary’s single bed during the day, and only got her attention at night.

But then, oh such attention! Mary told her Teddy all of her innermost thoughts, and shared secrets with him that she told nobody else. She confessed her all-consuming crush on Philip, at age eight. At age ten, she told Teddy about her petty shoplifting experience down at the mall, where she had come close to being caught sneaking a few candies out of a bin.  She promised him that she would never do this again. At fifteen, she almost, but not quite, barfed on poor Teddy when she had her first—and last—experience with gin. Then, she clung fiercely to Teddy’s comforting, small body as she nursed herself through the ensuing hangover and consoled herself throughout her well-deserved two-week grounding.

Teddy Two was a constant presence in Mary’s life until she packed up and left for university. She wanted to take him with her, but at age seventeen she felt she should act a bit more grown up. And so, her Teddy was left behind and Mary quickly got used to sleeping without him. Mary’s room back home was converted into a guest chamber, and an older Belle gathered Teddy Two up and placed him on the wicker rocking chair with Teddy One. Together, they looked quite content.

Mary eventually graduated from university, launched a career, and got married. She and her husband lived a conventional, happy and prosperous life in Toronto and in a few years Mary gave birth to a baby girl. They named her Justine. 

Among the many gifts lavished upon Justine as a baby was a plain brown teddy bear. There was nothing remarkable about him, other than his ultra-soft, synthetic fur. He was placed on Justine’s heavily laden toy shelf and remained there, untouched, for a few years.

One day, when Justine was about three years old, she began for no apparent reason to take special interest in Teddy Three. She called him Teddy, and started dragging him around the house. She insisted on being tucked in with him every night at bedtime. Above all her other toys—and Justine had many, many of them—the humble teddy bear took on the primary role of comforter and night-time protector. And Justine loved him with all her fierce little heart.

Justine was not an easy child. She got into scraps at school from the time that she was very young. She talked back to her teachers and pulled all manner of pranks, including putting glue on the toilet seats in the girls’ restroom and hiding the teacher’s lesson plans. At an early age, she was diagnosed with a learning impediment, and over time Justine adopted a belligerent attitude.She was regularly suspended from school. And as she entered high school, things got worse.

Justine was a mixed-up, angry, and resentful teenager. She felt the disapproving looks that her teachers gave her. She always noticed the worry in her parents’ eyes, even though she never let on that she did. Justine hated the feeling of constantly being judged. 

But, in the privacy of her chaotically disorganised room, where the curtains were never opened and the furniture was graffiti-covered, Justine still slept with her raggedy teddy bear. She hugged him tightly every night, when her terrors would come. She cried into his fur and told him she would turn her life around. She promised. And Teddy seemed to listen, with no judgment at all. 

About that time, Grandma Belle decided that she was no longer able to maintain the family home. Mary helped her mother sell and donate many of her belongings, and together they packed up the most precious items, and settled Belle into an apartment in the suburbs of Toronto, close to the rest of the family. 

Even though so many possessions were given up, Belle and Mary held on to Teddy One and Teddy Two and the old rocking chair. Neither of them could stand the thought of leaving these precious childhood items behind. Mary, with Belle’s blessing, brought the toys and the rocking chair into her city home, and stored them in the attic, where they would be safe. 

Justine, meanwhile, continued to cling to Teddy Three. She didn’t turn her life around immediately. She still raged against authority, changing high schools after being thrown out of the first, and finally, miraculously, actually graduating. 

Justine took Teddy Three away with her to university. She couldn’t have cared less what anyone might think of this. Besides, she wasn’t in her dorm room all that often. But when she was, Justine cuddled Teddy all night. 

The sad fact was that Justine was miserable at school, and her learning disability continued to plague her. Ultimately, she left university midway through her freshman year. It wasn’t for her, at least not yet. She packed everything up in boxes and dumped it at her mom Mary’s house. She even left Teddy behind, as she departed for the East Coast, in search of an authority-free, organic life.

After Justine drove off, Mary shed a few tears. Then, she climbed the stairs to the attic. Tenderly, she placed Teddy Three in between Bears One and Two. They were tightly squeezed, but they didn’t seem to mind. Mary said a prayer for Justine’s safety, closed the attic door behind her and went downstairs to her empty house.

And there they continue to sit. Teddy One, Teddy Two, and Teddy Three. Three generations of toy bears, each adored in its time. A farm bear, a town bear, and a big city bear. Different girls, different homes, different eras. 

The bears feel nothing. The affection that was lavished upon them does not linger. All the tears that were cried over them have been dry for years and all the whispered confessions are long forgotten. These teddy bears are just abandoned old toys. Relics.

Nevertheless, three generations of women learned much about love and life and friendship with the mute, unthinking help of these little teddy bears. From childhood to young womanhood, the girls gained in strength and sanity for having truly loved them.   

The bears may no longer be needed. They may stay cramped together on their rocker, unnoticed by anyone, for many years to come. But when Belle as an old woman, or Mary in her late middle age, or Justine as a young mother eventually opens the door to the attic and rediscovers her own special bear, love will fill her heart again.  

The teddies, after all, are just toys. But love is love. It will never die.